This was supposed to be a night of debauchery.

I had to wait at every single intersection.

Why did I go to the red light district?

Giant jade dragon

Majestic beast of legends                H

Now sells me ramen

 

Man of LaMancha

Actually a penguin                          H

Who sells cheap candy

 

If I look foreign

Why ask me for directions?            H

At 3 A.M.

 

Upstairs McDonald’s

I missed the last train back home   H

So did everyone here

 

The rooms are so cheap!

I really love this hotel.                    H

I’ll ignore the stains.

 

This channel is news

This one is “Frozen” on loop         H

…And this one is porn.

 

I’m in the lobby

At the free soda machine                H

…You can’t make me leave

 

The condoms are free

But stereotypes are true                  H   

…I must be massive.

 

Sorry to decline

But JAPANESE WOMAN! SEX!   T

Is sloppy English

And I won’t be a part of

A scheme run with such grammar

 

I’m on the dance floor…

Never knew that clubs were full of    H

So many losers

 

Five dollars a shot?

That seems really expensive.             H

Guess I’ll stay sober.

 

We spared no expense

To ensure Jurassic World                 H

Was a bad movie

 

The Land Before Time I was the first movie to ever make me cry

Because it taught me that even though my mom isn’t a fifteen meter long brachiosaurus

She can still die before I do

 

I’m hard at work trying to revive dinosaurs that have been extinct for millennia.

I’ve had a lot of success cultivating Pterodactyl cells

In this Petri dish.

 

Dinosaurs are cool

When they’re fighting, not singing     H

Land Before Time II

 

Sharp teeth are evil

Because they have to eat meat            H

Or else they will starve

Infinite choices

The wealth of the world at hand         H

…I’d like some salt please!

 

Williamstown could save thousands on salt by collecting from seniors who picked into Dodd neighborhood Sophomore year.

 

“Even though I’ve got critically high blood pressure,

I’m confident my heart will go on.”

~ Saline Dion

 

Majored in econ

Hired to clear the roads of snow        H

I’m a consaltant.

 

My childhood friend was a chicken

But ever since he fell into that pot of salt and Jamaican spices

He’s been acting like a real jerk…

Sodium Streets Part1: Tragedy

Sodium Streets Part 2: Euphoria

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you search for “Omar Gouda” on Facebook, you won’t find me. Ever since I started my account back in 8th grade (It’s fast! It’s free! Sign up today!) I’ve gone by the name Omar Swiss; most people assume it’s a joke, but I actually chose the name specifically because it’s not a joke according to Mr. Zuckerberg’s automated name filter, which was programmed by the finest interns 2008 Facebook couldn’t afford to pay. “Omar Gouda” apparently qualifies as a “joke or terrorist” name, and so I’ve been forced to betray my namesake cheese and live under the shameful shadow of the pseudonym Swiss. I’ve seen one friend change her last name from Warren to Warhead ~ LITERALLY A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION ~ while Zuckerberg chuckled softly and approved the switch personally. Another friend changed her name from Kraft to Kraftmacncheese (all one word), which was especially insulting considering Zuckerberg privileges reanimated frankencheese sauces over proud, established cheeses like Gouda. Anyway, that’s why my Facebook name is Omar Swiss, let’s be friends.

 

Your name is Gouda?

Gouda like the type of cheese?

No, like the group of terrorist insurgents working to undermine comedy by funding Adam Sandler.

….Yes, like the type of cheese.

 

There are FIVE Omars at the golf course I work at over the Summer. I don’t even think I’ve met five Omars in passing in my entire life.

Omar #1 is from Jamaica ~ he’s mean.

Omar #2 is also from Jamaica ~ he’s much nicer, and also apparently very good at golf.

Omar #3 is me.

Omar #4 is from Mexico and is constantly trying to usurp my throne as third amongst Omars.

Omar #5 is also from Jamaica, but he should be called Omar #420, in my opinion.

 

I was very excited to read Island of the Blue Dolphins back in first grade because one of the characters is named Ramo, which is Omar backwards! Spoilers if you haven’t read the book, but uh…Ramo doesn’t do so well. Sad moments in great literature.

 

People who have called me Oscar:

• Literally everyone I caddie for
• My first ever girlfriend
• Kameron Steele for the first month of Blood Wedding. Forgivable because he also kept calling a rocking chair a wheelchair.
• My boss at the elementary school after having known me as Omar for three years.

 

Object 1:

Object 2:

Object 3:

Object 4:

:

Object 1:

Object 2:

Object 3:

 

Object 4

Object 5:

Object 6:

Object 7:

 

Object 1:

Object 2:

Object 3:

Object 4:

Abe’s mother lived in a small town outside Smolensk. She ran a boardinghouse and a pawnshop. Soldiers would pawn their possessions for cigarettes if they had no money to buy them.

One day a group of soldiers knocked on her door.

“Where are your sons?” they interrogated.

“I gave them to you. You must have lost them” she replied.

“He deserted,” they declared.

“How could you lose my son?”

After a while, the soldiers left.

Abe’s mother knew exactly where he was–or, at least, where he was going.

Object 5:

Object 6:

Object 1:

Object 2:

Object 3

Object 4:

Object 5:

Object 6:

Object 7:

Object 8:

Object 9: