Category Archives: assignments turned in

ELI5: How to Read Music (The 6th Grader WikiHow Special)

Since the dawn of time, people have been trying to figure out how to write stuff. In the beginning, we didn’t have much stuff to write. Mostly grunts. Eventually we drew pictures that represented ideas; like, a cave painting of a mammoth could be interpreted as a mammoth. Eventually those pictures became words, which is how I am writing this essay!!

But how do we write down stuff we can’t see? I am talking about music, which is something that we cannot see, but we can experience. How do we write down music? Maybe you could write out instructions in English, but what if a musician doesn’t know English?! That would be very selfish of you.

There is a whole language of written music that can be understood by anyone who can read music! It is very difficult, but also very useful. Like English, you write music on lined paper, but instead of one line, you use FIVE parallel lines ~ this set of FIVE parallel lines is called a “staff,” like the people who watch you at summer camp. Instead of words, you use “notes” ~ a note changes depending on which of the five lines it is written on. Unlike, English, you can actually write music THROUGH the lines; isn’t that cool?

Image titled Read Music Step 1

There is a very easy way to identify notes. Starting from the bottom of the staff, the order of notes with a line through them (from bottom to top) is: E, G, B, D, F ~ You can remember this as Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge, which is true! The order of notes which go in between the lines is: F A C E ~ You can remember this as FACE, like the word face, which we all have. If you do not know English, you will need another way to remember these notes, because Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge and FACE will not mean anything to you.

Once you know the notes, you almost know how to read music! You should also know about meter. In math class, we were taught that a meter is a little longer than a yard; the meter we use in music is totally different! Meter in music tells you how fast the notes are read ~ sortofliketakingoutspacestellsyoutoreadthisquickly! I mentioned math class because meter is actually a number ~ it is a fraction, like ⅜  or ¾. In this way, math is important no matter what language you speak!

There are many other things you must know to read music. Sometimes, you do not want to make any sound at all; you can show this by drawing a rest, which looks like a squiggle or a hat, depending on how long you  have to be quiet. English would be very confusing if there were no periods you would have no idea where to stop or where to start that is why music has something like a period but instead of a dot it’s a vertical line through the five horizontal lines that means the end of a musical sentence.

There is also a special symbol called a cleff, which looks like a very fancy cursive letter. If you do not know cursive, you should learn, because you will need it in everyday life as an adult. In chorus class, we use the treble cleff, which means that the notes written in the staff are kinda high. In grown-up choruses, they sometimes use the bass cleff, which means that the notes written in the staff are lowish.

In the end, I would say that reading music is very difficult but very fun. To conclude, I would say that if you do not know how to read music, you should learn to as it is a very useful skill.

 

 

Single source? Now that’s good research!

http://www.wikihow.com/Read-Music

Juxtapositions: The Job Hunt of David Carter

David Carter had a long day of job-searching in the City. He didn’t have any official interviews but rather was wandering between office buildings, harassing anyone in professional attire, trying to convince them that if they would just give him a chance he would be a great asset to their company. He would! A few months ago he had graduated from one of the best colleges in the world, so he was certainly qualified to sit around in a suit making loud phone calls and pretending to be a productive member of society. His father was supporting him in the meantime, but every day he pressured David to get a job. How hard could it be? Sure, the economy was on the verge of collapse, but David was so special, so smart. He would be fine.

When the business day ended, David was too embarrassed to go home. No, he wasn’t going to sit at the dinner table and listen to his father pointedly talk about how easy it was to get a job back in his day. This is it, he said—this is the day I get a job. What do businessmen do when they get off of work? Drugs and sex, he guessed. And so David decided to go to the Red Light district.

He was immediately assaulted by the irritating multitude of ads and the suffocating throngs of tourists. He had a drink at a bar and regretted it—David could not really afford to drink, especially not overpriced tourist cocktails. While waiting at an intersection for what seemed like forever, he caught the eye of a beautiful woman across the street. She seemed different from all the other women, purer perhaps, a little more real. She seemed a little sad or maybe just calm, like she was at peace with the world.

When the light turned green they went into the alley behind a noodle bar and had sex—David could not really afford this either, but luckily she had a credit card reader on her smartphone. He took her to a sleazy hotel, where they had more sex. He wished he could get to know her as a person, but thought that might be too awkward.

Just after midnight he ran ten blocks to the nearest station to catch the last train home, but it departed 2 minutes early while he was still waiting in line for a ticket. He would have to wait for the 5:07am.

He went back outside, dead quiet save for the McDonald’s down the street. He walked slowly towards the mesmerizing yellow arches towering above. Then he walked through the door and up to the counter. He asked if they were hiring for any managerial or consulting positions. They were not. How about fry cooks? No, they were still not hiring. Would he like to order? David ordered a Big Mac and a Diet Coke. Would he like fries with that? No, he would not—yes, he would—two orders of fries! And: an order of chicken nuggets! Put it all on the card–why not? He’d be in debt for the rest of his life anyway if he didn’t find a job.

David went upstairs to find a table. Everyone looked just as awkward and tired as him, but he was the only one in a suit. The businessmen all had offices to sleep in; they didn’t have to sit in the fluourescent purgatory of a fast food establishment. Kindred spirits, all waiting for the 5:07, or the 5:23, or the 5:49 out to their village, or perhaps, if they were lucky enough to have a job, waiting for their morning shift. They all know, he thought. They all know I have no job and they all know that I’ll never have a job.

The man at the next table fell asleep, his face buried in a hamburger. David took out his laptop and decided to work on his video interviews. He hit record and put on the peppiest voice he could (without going over the top, of course). The man at the next table snored and drooled, making his half-eaten bun soggy. “One time when I added value…” The lights buzzed overhead. “Added value and had a tangible impact…”

His mind was blank. The truth is, David Carter had never had a tangible impact on anything in his life.

At 4:46am David exited McDonald’s to head back to the train station. Suddenly, a crack opened up on the sidewalk and he fell in.

I could tell you that he went on an adventure, perhaps that he found a mysterious series of catacombs or discovered a hidden society beneath the streets of the City, but that would be a lie. David Carter fell into a crack in the earth and died. He never found a job.

Story #1 ~ ®Kraft™

HI BILLY MAYS HERE

FOR JUST $19.99                                 H

I’LL LEAVE YOU ALONE

 

I’m really thirsty

I sure would love a nice, cold…           H

Pepsi Co. product

 

I’m really thirsty

I sure would love a nice, cold…          H

Coca-cola drink

 

I’m really thirsty

I sure would love a nice, cold…         H

Who’s today’s sponsor?

 

Troop morale is low.

The men complain about soggy conditions.

They refuse to raisin bran-dish their weapons.

They are going cuckoo without Cocoa Puffs.

They can’t see an end to the conflict, nor can they see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Many are too busy Reeses Puff-puff passing to be an active part of a balanced breakfast.

General Mills, what do you advise we do?

 

I’ve got a Target number of objects to make.

I’m beating my head against a Wal-mart, here.

Well, this is O-Kmart for now, I guess.

 

One taco bell, please

Extra meat and extra cheese               H

Just like Mom made it!

 

 

Williams Dining Dissapoints Once More

 

If I eat something

Atop a very tall cliff                         H

Is it high dining?

 

I have a brilliant plan to build a skyscraper made entirely out of stacked pizzas

So that I can finally say I’ve experienced the upper crust

All I need is a lot of dough

 

It started with a two mediums for $5 each.

Now I’m up to a large and a side of cinna-stix.

I can’t stop; it’s the Dominoes effect.

 

If I bought this fried chicken dinner on my own

(With only a small loan from my father)

Why should I have to share it with anyone else?

That’s why I’m voting for Colonel Bernie Sanders.

 

I’ve been nauseous since we took off.

I think the pilot is a clerk from the florist department? Or the butcher counter?

The selection is pretty limited and things keep falling off the shelves when we hit turbulence.

Why did I think it would be a good idea to go grocery shopping in the Price Chopper?

 

I walked in to the sight of melting cheese.

And a melting counter…                                                  *stolen from my sister*

And…clock…                                                                  

Why did I go to the Salvador Deli?

 

I’m taking a class about making sandwiches.

It costs 5 dollars to commute by Subway.

Any recipes must be properly referenced and sauced.

Our final grade is 10% attendance, 50% participation, and 40% Quiznos.

Seems like an (Arby)system to me.

 

Go to White Castle

An intern broke the sound board.                     H

We need new sliders.

 

Revolutionary Spoken Word Performance

Sometimes I feel like a burrito

Like I’m so full of emotions

They’re oozing out because my parents didn’t make me right

And society just slapped a tin-foil wrapper on me

And sold me to the man for $5.99

Plus $2 for guac, but Gauntanamo for free.

Story #2 ~ Adventures In the Osaka Red Light District

This was supposed to be a night of debauchery.

I had to wait at every single intersection.

Why did I go to the red light district?

*Taken from http://jotarofootsteps.blogspot.com/2012/06/kyotoosaka-day-6.html

Giant jade dragon

Majestic beast of legends                H

Now sells me ramen

 

Man of LaMancha

Actually a penguin                          H

Who sells cheap candy

 

If I look foreign

Why ask me for directions?            H

At 3 A.M.

 

Upstairs McDonald’s

I missed the last train back home   H

So did everyone here

 

The rooms are so cheap!

I really love this hotel.                    H

I’ll ignore the stains.

 

This channel is news

This one is “Frozen” on loop         H

…And this one is porn.

 

I’m in the lobby

At the free soda machine                H

…You can’t make me leave

 

The condoms are free

But stereotypes are true                  H   

…I must be massive.

 

Sorry to decline

But JAPANESE WOMAN! SEX!   T

Is sloppy English

And I won’t be a part of

A scheme run with such grammar

 

I’m on the dance floor…

Never knew that clubs were full of    H

So many losers

 

Five dollars a shot?

That seems really expensive.             H

Guess I’ll stay sober.

 

Story #3 ~ The Land Before Time

IMG_0009[1]
There is nothing more precious than a tree star.
We spared no expense

To ensure Jurassic World                 H

Was a bad movie

 

The Land Before Time I was the first movie to ever make me cry

Because it taught me that even though my mom isn’t a fifteen meter long brachiosaurus

She can still die before I do

 

I’m hard at work trying to revive dinosaurs that have been extinct for millennia.

I’ve had a lot of success cultivating Pterodactyl cells

In this Petri dish.

 

Dinosaurs are cool

When they’re fighting, not singing     H

Land Before Time II

 

Sharp teeth are evil

Because they have to eat meat            H

Or else they will starve

Story #4 ~ Why is the Ocean Salty?

Infinite choices

The wealth of the world at hand         H

…I’d like some salt please!

 

Williamstown could save thousands on salt by collecting from seniors who picked into Dodd neighborhood Sophomore year.

 

“Even though I’ve got critically high blood pressure,

I’m confident my heart will go on.”

~ Saline Dion

 

Majored in econ

Hired to clear the roads of snow        H

I’m a consaltant.

 

My childhood friend was a chicken

But ever since he fell into that pot of salt and Jamaican spices

He’s been acting like a real jerk…

Sodium Streets Part1: Tragedy

Sodium Streets Part 2: Euphoria

 

 

 

 

 

 

Story #5 ~ What’s in a name? Puns, probably.

Can anyone ever unlock the secrets of the Nicholas Cage?
Can anyone ever unlock the secrets of the Nicholas Cage?

If you search for “Omar Gouda” on Facebook, you won’t find me. Ever since I started my account back in 8th grade (It’s fast! It’s free! Sign up today!) I’ve gone by the name Omar Swiss; most people assume it’s a joke, but I actually chose the name specifically because it’s not a joke according to Mr. Zuckerberg’s automated name filter, which was programmed by the finest interns 2008 Facebook couldn’t afford to pay. “Omar Gouda” apparently qualifies as a “joke or terrorist” name, and so I’ve been forced to betray my namesake cheese and live under the shameful shadow of the pseudonym Swiss. I’ve seen one friend change her last name from Warren to Warhead ~ LITERALLY A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION ~ while Zuckerberg chuckled softly and approved the switch personally. Another friend changed her name from Kraft to Kraftmacncheese (all one word), which was especially insulting considering Zuckerberg privileges reanimated frankencheese sauces over proud, established cheeses like Gouda. Anyway, that’s why my Facebook name is Omar Swiss, let’s be friends.

 

Your name is Gouda?

Gouda like the type of cheese?

No, like the group of terrorist insurgents working to undermine comedy by funding Adam Sandler.

….Yes, like the type of cheese.

 

There are FIVE Omars at the golf course I work at over the Summer. I don’t even think I’ve met five Omars in passing in my entire life.

Omar #1 is from Jamaica ~ he’s mean.

Omar #2 is also from Jamaica ~ he’s much nicer, and also apparently very good at golf.

Omar #3 is me.

Omar #4 is from Mexico and is constantly trying to usurp my throne as third amongst Omars.

Omar #5 is also from Jamaica, but he should be called Omar #420, in my opinion.

 

I was very excited to read Island of the Blue Dolphins back in first grade because one of the characters is named Ramo, which is Omar backwards! Spoilers if you haven’t read the book, but uh…Ramo doesn’t do so well. Sad moments in great literature.

 

People who have called me Oscar:

  • Literally everyone I caddie for
  • My first ever girlfriend
  • Kameron Steele for the first month of Blood Wedding. Forgivable because he also kept calling a rocking chair a wheelchair.
  • My boss at the elementary school after having known me as Omar for three years.