If you search for “Omar Gouda” on Facebook, you won’t find me. Ever since I started my account back in 8th grade (It’s fast! It’s free! Sign up today!) I’ve gone by the name Omar Swiss; most people assume it’s a joke, but I actually chose the name specifically because it’s not a joke according to Mr. Zuckerberg’s automated name filter, which was programmed by the finest interns 2008 Facebook couldn’t afford to pay. “Omar Gouda” apparently qualifies as a “joke or terrorist” name, and so I’ve been forced to betray my namesake cheese and live under the shameful shadow of the pseudonym Swiss. I’ve seen one friend change her last name from Warren to Warhead ~ LITERALLY A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION ~ while Zuckerberg chuckled softly and approved the switch personally. Another friend changed her name from Kraft to Kraftmacncheese (all one word), which was especially insulting considering Zuckerberg privileges reanimated frankencheese sauces over proud, established cheeses like Gouda. Anyway, that’s why my Facebook name is Omar Swiss, let’s be friends.

 

Your name is Gouda?

Gouda like the type of cheese?

No, like the group of terrorist insurgents working to undermine comedy by funding Adam Sandler.

….Yes, like the type of cheese.

 

There are FIVE Omars at the golf course I work at over the Summer. I don’t even think I’ve met five Omars in passing in my entire life.

Omar #1 is from Jamaica ~ he’s mean.

Omar #2 is also from Jamaica ~ he’s much nicer, and also apparently very good at golf.

Omar #3 is me.

Omar #4 is from Mexico and is constantly trying to usurp my throne as third amongst Omars.

Omar #5 is also from Jamaica, but he should be called Omar #420, in my opinion.

 

I was very excited to read Island of the Blue Dolphins back in first grade because one of the characters is named Ramo, which is Omar backwards! Spoilers if you haven’t read the book, but uh…Ramo doesn’t do so well. Sad moments in great literature.

 

People who have called me Oscar:

• Literally everyone I caddie for
• My first ever girlfriend
• Kameron Steele for the first month of Blood Wedding. Forgivable because he also kept calling a rocking chair a wheelchair.
• My boss at the elementary school after having known me as Omar for three years.

 

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Abe’s mother lived in a small town outside Smolensk. She ran a boardinghouse and a pawnshop. Soldiers would pawn their possessions for cigarettes if they had no money to buy them.

One day a group of soldiers knocked on her door.

“Where are your sons?” they interrogated.

“I gave them to you. You must have lost them” she replied.

“He deserted,” they declared.

“How could you lose my son?”

After a while, the soldiers left.

Abe’s mother knew exactly where he was–or, at least, where he was going.

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