David Carter had a long day of job-searching in the City. He didn’t have any official interviews but rather was wandering between office buildings, harassing anyone in professional attire, trying to convince them that if they would just give him a chance he would be a great asset to their company. He would! A few months ago he had graduated from one of the best colleges in the world, so he was certainly qualified to sit around in a suit making loud phone calls and pretending to be a productive member of society. His father was supporting him in the meantime, but every day he pressured David to get a job. How hard could it be? Sure, the economy was on the verge of collapse, but David was so special, so smart. He would be fine.

When the business day ended, David was too embarrassed to go home. No, he wasn’t going to sit at the dinner table and listen to his father pointedly talk about how easy it was to get a job back in his day. This is it, he said—this is the day I get a job. What do businessmen do when they get off of work? Drugs and sex, he guessed. And so David decided to go to the Red Light district.

He was immediately assaulted by the irritating multitude of ads and the suffocating throngs of tourists. He had a drink at a bar and regretted it—David could not really afford to drink, especially not overpriced tourist cocktails. While waiting at an intersection for what seemed like forever, he caught the eye of a beautiful woman across the street. She seemed different from all the other women, purer perhaps, a little more real. She seemed a little sad or maybe just calm, like she was at peace with the world.

When the light turned green they went into the alley behind a noodle bar and had sex—David could not really afford this either, but luckily she had a credit card reader on her smartphone. He took her to a sleazy hotel, where they had more sex. He wished he could get to know her as a person, but thought that might be too awkward.

Just after midnight he ran ten blocks to the nearest station to catch the last train home, but it departed 2 minutes early while he was still waiting in line for a ticket. He would have to wait for the 5:07am.

He went back outside, dead quiet save for the McDonald’s down the street. He walked slowly towards the mesmerizing yellow arches towering above. Then he walked through the door and up to the counter. He asked if they were hiring for any managerial or consulting positions. They were not. How about fry cooks? No, they were still not hiring. Would he like to order? David ordered a Big Mac and a Diet Coke. Would he like fries with that? No, he would not—yes, he would—two orders of fries! And: an order of chicken nuggets! Put it all on the card–why not? He’d be in debt for the rest of his life anyway if he didn’t find a job.

David went upstairs to find a table. Everyone looked just as awkward and tired as him, but he was the only one in a suit. The businessmen all had offices to sleep in; they didn’t have to sit in the fluourescent purgatory of a fast food establishment. Kindred spirits, all waiting for the 5:07, or the 5:23, or the 5:49 out to their village, or perhaps, if they were lucky enough to have a job, waiting for their morning shift. They all know, he thought. They all know I have no job and they all know that I’ll never have a job.

The man at the next table fell asleep, his face buried in a hamburger. David took out his laptop and decided to work on his video interviews. He hit record and put on the peppiest voice he could (without going over the top, of course). The man at the next table snored and drooled, making his half-eaten bun soggy. “One time when I added value…” The lights buzzed overhead. “Added value and had a tangible impact…”

His mind was blank. The truth is, David Carter had never had a tangible impact on anything in his life.

At 4:46am David exited McDonald’s to head back to the train station. Suddenly, a crack opened up on the sidewalk and he fell in.

I could tell you that he went on an adventure, perhaps that he found a mysterious series of catacombs or discovered a hidden society beneath the streets of the City, but that would be a lie. David Carter fell into a crack in the earth and died. He never found a job.

This was supposed to be a night of debauchery.

I had to wait at every single intersection.

Why did I go to the red light district?

Giant jade dragon

Majestic beast of legends                H

Now sells me ramen

Man of LaMancha

Actually a penguin                          H

Who sells cheap candy

If I look foreign

Why ask me for directions?            H

At 3 A.M.

Upstairs McDonald’s

I missed the last train back home   H

So did everyone here

The rooms are so cheap!

I really love this hotel.                    H

I’ll ignore the stains.

This channel is news

This one is “Frozen” on loop         H

…And this one is porn.

I’m in the lobby

At the free soda machine                H

…You can’t make me leave

The condoms are free

But stereotypes are true                  H   

…I must be massive.

Sorry to decline

But JAPANESE WOMAN! SEX!   T

Is sloppy English

And I won’t be a part of

A scheme run with such grammar

I’m on the dance floor…

Never knew that clubs were full of    H

So many losers

Five dollars a shot?

That seems really expensive.             H

Guess I’ll stay sober.

To ensure Jurassic World                 H

Was a bad movie

The Land Before Time I was the first movie to ever make me cry

Because it taught me that even though my mom isn’t a fifteen meter long brachiosaurus

She can still die before I do

I’m hard at work trying to revive dinosaurs that have been extinct for millennia.

I’ve had a lot of success cultivating Pterodactyl cells

In this Petri dish.

Dinosaurs are cool

When they’re fighting, not singing     H

Land Before Time II

Sharp teeth are evil

Because they have to eat meat            H

Or else they will starve

Infinite choices

The wealth of the world at hand         H

…I’d like some salt please!

Williamstown could save thousands on salt by collecting from seniors who picked into Dodd neighborhood Sophomore year.

“Even though I’ve got critically high blood pressure,

I’m confident my heart will go on.”

~ Saline Dion

Majored in econ

Hired to clear the roads of snow        H

I’m a consaltant.

My childhood friend was a chicken

But ever since he fell into that pot of salt and Jamaican spices

He’s been acting like a real jerk…

Sodium Streets Part1: Tragedy

Sodium Streets Part 2: Euphoria