I visited Vietnam after my first year of college in 2012, the first time since my parents and I immigrated in 1999. I had no what idea to expect from this family visit because I was so far removed from this part of myself. I grew up in the states and my knowledge of the Vietnamese was minimal. Throughout middle and high school, there were many moments when I felt uncomfortable and frustrated while speaking to my parents or grandparents in Vietnamese. I couldn’t find the right words to express myself even in the simplest of conversations. To be honest, so I wasn’t looking forward to taking the trip in 2012; I despised the idea of not being able to speak to my uncles and aunts. Throughout the trip I leaned on my English-speaking cousins (who also moved to the United States a bit after I did), I spoke to them throughout the visit because I was embarrassed to use my native language with extended family. I left Vietnam after those two weeks of near silence without any expectations of returning. Not being able to communicate was unbearable and flights are extremely costly.

Almost three years later, I find myself on another two-week trip to Vietnam. This time independent of family, a class trip centered on Vietnamese memory of the American conflict in Vietnam. Even though this trip had different purposes, I faced the same insecurities regarding language. How would I respond when people asked me questions or spoke to me in Vietnamese? Easy. Probably by fumbling a lot, grasping for the right words, using a lot of body language and praying that the person knew what I was saying. In Saigon, people didn’t understand most of the words I put together, while in Hanoi they called me out for being a foreigner with a Southern Vietnamese accent. It was tough. But I persisted because people in both cities were patient; they smiled, laughed and repeated themselves many times so that I could try to understand. These “conversations” were bittersweet, I was still frustrated at the lack of comprehension, but I learned a new word or two after each engagement. The mental barrier that I built throughout much of my life began loosening up by the end of the first week. I was beginning to accept my limited Vietnamese and work on it for the rest the trip.

I found great joy listening to people and reading street signs while walking through the cities. Slowly, I pieced letters and tones together to make words. Most of the time, I didn’t know what anything meant but I was thrilled whenever I recognized a word or phrase that I used when speaking with my parents. Back in the states my only exposure to Vietnamese was verbal. So being able to read these words was a monumental step in relearning. All these years I’ve been afraid to work on Vietnamese; I was waiting for chances to fully immerse myself in the language and culture so that the Vietnamese that I knew as a kid would magically spill out. Clearly this was the wrong approach.

After getting back from Vietnam on Sunday, I called my mother and the words flew out. I was able to speak about my trip to Vietnam, what cities I visited, what foods I ate with little hesitation. My Vietnamese had gotten better after spending two weeks in Vietnam, even though it didn’t seem like it at the time. Being in Vietnam was uncomfortable because of my relationship with the language but words cannot express how grateful I am to have the chance to go back and rediscover my culture and roots. After two weeks, I’ve gotten a little better at reading basic vocabulary and exchange pleasantries, but I hope to work on Vietnamese so that I can better understand Vietnamese history, my family and myself as a Vietnamese American/immigrant in the United States.

9:20am, the class arrives in front the Reunification Palace, formally known as independence Palace, in Ho Chi Minh City. When I first saw the palace I thought, ‘is this a hotel?” because dozen buses from various tourist groups and travel companies dropping people in front. This attendance has been typical during our visits to the few government sponsored historic sites. Makes sense, the palace symbolizes Vietnamese independence after defeating the United States puppet government. April 25^th 1975. This day is crucial in Vietnamese consciousness because it represented the success of nearly a century of French and then U.S. imperialism. At least that’s the sentiment that I’ve gotten from consulting the trusty Lonely Planet and guides.

The palace was chaos when we walked it; there was an endless stream of international tourists and several Vietnamese student groups visiting. After looking at ““Thanh niên Vietnam” on their blue uniforms and a little bit of Google, I found out that these students were from the Ho Chi Minh Communist Youth Union. Our guide said that these students went on this trip to learn about reunification to prepare for the 40^th anniversary of Vietnamese independence. Our class was there to get some perspective on ways the Reunification Palace has attributed to building national narrative and memory of the American War.

Touring Reunification Palace was a perplexing experience. Our tour guide was energetic, dynamic and really enthusiastic. She was confortable enough to joke with us, calling everyone VIP (Very International People). The majority of the site did not convey any distinct history of the war. I felt like the group was taking an open house tour of Ngo Dinh Diem’s palace, we started on the first floor with the reception space, then the meeting room, conference room, offices, then bedroom etc. Every floor gave us a look into where the Republic Of Vietnam’s leaders worked, lived and even partied. I thought the tour was a bit dry because I wasn’t expecting an open house, I wanted to learn the about the narrative of Vietnamese heroism. Reunification was a significant event in Vietnamese history and going from room to room did not give me a better sense of what this history meant to Vietnamese people and the national government. Though this absence of clear distinct message could be indicative of a larger memory construction project, filled with erasure of a heroic past and anti-imperialism.    There were two instances in the entire museum that gave me a clear picture of Vietnamese heroism, revolutionary struggle and the triumph of Communism. There was one room in the entire palace dedicated to the history of the Fall of Saigon. This photographic exhibit provided audiences with historical context for the war and – more importantly – it emphasized the defeat of the United States. I enjoyed this exhibit because of the clear chronological narrative of Vietnamese triumph and a historic reunification of Vietnam after nearly two decades of conflict. This room is more cluttered and dingy as compared to the other pristine and expansive rooms in the palace. Vietnamese reunification is an integral part of Vietnamese nationalism, but there was only one small worn-down room dedicated to this narrative throughout the entire palace.

The second instant that provided me with some context of Vietnamese history was a 37-minute propaganda video that gave viewers a history of the Vietnam War beginning with the defeat of the French at Dien Bien Phu in 1954.until the defeat of the Southern Vietnamese puppet government. The most striking aspect of this video is the demonization of United States government and imperialism on Vietnamese soil in an otherwise sterile historic site. The video also had clips that highlighted Vietnamese soldiers fighting and winning battles throughout the war. This video provided context that helped me understand the Vietnamese struggle throughout the war, which is significantly better than peering into the different luxurious guest rooms in the palace.

Though the palace’s architecture is grand, the rooms are beautiful, I believe that government has to be more deliberate in what it wants to convey in the reunification palace. As the space that represents Vietnamese reunification, there may need to be a stronger emphasis on the struggles against the United States in Saigon. I suspect that downplaying the victorious narrative of Vietnam is a part of a larger scheme to placate foreign tourists in order to generate more international attention and visitors to the Reunification Palace. I’m curious about how the Reunification Palace will be used to celebrate the 40 year anniversary of the fall of Saigon and 85 years of Vietnamese communism.